What…zumba??? Most people ask.
Kizomba is an African couple dance from Angola. Some people call it the African Tango. The first time I was invited to try it, I thought I was on the verge of being sexually harassed. Two minutes later, I walked out of the room, telling my on-looking friend I would never be interested in this kind of dance.
Three months later I was hooked. Unlike my other favorite dances such as Ballroom or Salsa, Kizomba is not a performance dance. Its essence is in the connection between two partners, often two strangers, sharing a moment of co-creation and expression of the music. Through Kizomba, I learned many valuable lessons about relationships:
- Connected by what we share. My dance teacher often says: two people one system. When two people dance well together, their every move is synchronized through the expression of the same music. In life, it is the expression of the same values and purpose – the only constant in a relationship regardless how often their steps and activities change. When this happens, their shared experience is truly magical.
- Stay inside the relationship. To create a magical moment together, both partners must be present with each other as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist. When one person or both focus on impressing bystanders with their complicated tricks and turns, they lose connection with each other and lose their relationship.
- Meet each other where s/he is. For two people with different level of competence to dance in harmony, the experienced partner must let go his/her ego or expectation and meet the other partner where s/he is. If they create from the same level, even if it is at a beginner level, the experience can still be enjoyable. When we are baggage free, we are able to merge and and co-create something new.
- Communication is key. When a leader (man in this case) gives clear signal on which direction to turn, good following becomes natural consequence. When I dance with advanced dancers (leaders), even with completely new and difficult steps, following was a breeze. Some of them even give me signals a couple seconds in advance, so I have enough time to react. Wow, the power of good communication. On the other hand, an inexperienced leader assumes his follower can read his mind, then blames his follower for misunderstanding his intention. No wonder we have so many victims in the world – both leaders and followers.
- Enjoy the simple moments. I have danced with dancers of different levels, from beginner to advanced. I noticed that beginner dancers often want to impress while advanced dancers often dance simple steps but dance them really well. Simple steps well done can be a great joy. In life, enjoying a simple meal, watching beautiful sunset or sharing a glance with someone we love can be the best moments in life.
- Following is about active surrendering. I understood the essence of following only after graduating from a 10-month leadership program. In other words, I became a better follower AFTER I became a better leader. Following is not passive, but highly active, and determines 50% of relationship success. The follower’s focus and surrender offer powerful support to the leader.
- Leader sets the upper limit. The follower can only go as far as the leader is able to lead. Beyond that, no matter how competent she is, she has no opportunity to demonstrate it.
- Connection is everything. Without connection between two partners, there is no relationship. Stay connected.
