Constructive criticism is an oxymoron.
Criticism is finding faults and passing judgment. It creates fear, shame, guilt, self-doubts, and defensiveness. It chips away a person’s self-worth like a hammer on a marble masterpiece. It damages relationships and creates resentments. Criticism is a verbal aggression and in fact an emotional abuse. It can be used as a powerful weapon to demoralize or to weaken opponents.
Criticism is a common practice and often accepted as normal behavior in strictly rule-based or hierarchical societies. In such environment, we believe right and wrong are absolute; we believe established rules or the criticizer’s perspectives are the only standards. We neglect the fact that human lives are complex and don’t fit in boxes. We neglect the fact that information shaping our perceptions may be out of context.
When we criticize, we feel a sense of superiority or righteousness. What we project is our need for recognition and approval, which has little to do with the other person’s reality. Many of us, growing up in such environment, act like it is our birth right to criticize others without being consciously aware of its impact. We often subject this practice to people we care the most – our children, spouses, friends, colleagues, and most ironically, ourselves.
What if we truly want to help someone improve? Then give feedforward. Feedforward provides specific and actionable suggestions for improvement instead of opinions on what went wrong. Feedforward focuses on the future instead of the past. Feedforward builds people up instead of tearing them down. It is given with kindness and shared intention. It draws people closer instead of pushing them apart. Feedforward is a precious gift all of us can give.
If we can change this single behavior – giving feedforward instead of criticism – we create a condition for happier people, happier families, happier organizations and happier world.
